To Hug, To Pinch, To Pat: Or Not?
Much of the world just celebrated St. Patrick's Day, which in America means a tradition of wearing green and of pinching those who don't. It can be a lot of fun.
But it can also be a problem. I just saw an opinion on Develle Dish that linked pinching on St. Patrick's Day to rape culture. The author didn't equate pinching with rape, but wrote that she has the right for her body not to be touched whether it's a pinch or intercourse.
The issue of allowable touching is a very thorny and tricky one, and mixes societal norms with biological needs.
Certainly I would agree that when a playful pinch devolves into continued physical harassment there's a problem. One commentor on the opinion piece said her daughter forgot to wear green and got pinched all day long and consequently didn't want to go to school the next day. But where exactly is the line?
In America we live in an age where teachers are told to be afraid of touching their students even when those students want a hug or are crying and need comfort. A teacher was fired because he gave a girl a friendly pat on the back and she said he patted over her bra strap. It's a time of paranoia where people are afraid to touch each other.
And yet, ironically, people who might be afraid to give a welcome hug can boldly give an unwanted pinch. Even more ironic, the same school employee who's afraid to give a girl a pat on the back may be fully authorized to whip that girl's bottom.
Touch is natural to social beings such as humans. There's a great deal of evidence that shows that direct skin-to-skin contact (not through clothes) is critical for the psychological well-being and development of infants and young children. And even adults don't outgrow the need for physical affection, even though some, especially men, think they can only get it through sex.
Maybe some day we'll move past this time of paranoia and confusing, mixed signals, to a time where a loving touch is acceptable and harmful and hurtful physical contact is not.
* * *
I also have a question that's somewhat related. When someone wears a T-shirt or button that says "Kiss Me I'm Irish," does that give me the right to kiss them?
Any opinion expressed by a member of The Loveshade Family does not necessarily reflect the views of the entire family.
Links and Image Rights
See opinion piece at http://dukegroups.duke.edu/develledish/2011/dontpinchme/
Zuchtlose Liebe (heinous love), oil on canvas, 55,5 x 51 cm (from a cycle of eight paintings "Schlechte und gute Erziehung", shown 1800 at the Berlin Academy) bySusanne Henry (née Chodowiecki) is past all copyright and in the public domain
Sparkly lips image by Daisy Romwall, image licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license
Comments
Its wrong to harass people of course. But a pinch that doesn't hurt is no big deal. And hugs are good! Its terrible they don't want teachers hugging kids.
I think if you wear a button that says kiss me you shouldn't complain if they do it.
Posted by: Marie Gilbert | March 22, 2011 09:07 PM
If you wear a sign that says "kiss me" you got no right to complain if I kiss you on your sign.
If pinching is the same as rape, hey, I'm gonna find me a pinchable woman!
Posted by: Rev. Bootie | March 23, 2011 01:38 AM
Some people go to way out extremes on both sides. If someone doesn't want to be pinched don't pinch them but on the other hand being pinched should't mean the death penalty. It's all moderation.
Posted by: Vernon Avaritt | March 23, 2011 01:20 PM
People have the right to their own personal space. If someone doesn't want to be pinched then please leave them alone.
But everybody needs love and hugs. It's so sad people are afraid to be close and be affectionate. How many rapists felt they got enough love and affection? I believe none. Rape is awful but it's not just about power it's also about sex. People don't like being lonely.
More hugs less rape.
Posted by: Dharma | March 23, 2011 01:55 PM
I just read your story about St Patrick's Day and it didn't surprise me. It reminds me of a story I heard on a talk show. There was a person, let's call him John, who was working at a company. He saw a new employee and ignored him, not being rude. Next thing he is called into the bosses office. The new employee (guy) charged him with sexual harrassment. He said that John was staring at him. I had an incident. There was a new guard and I said hello. He spat at me, and knowing my bad temper, I said "We'll F**** you then". I was written up and I had to apoligize to him. He turned out to be a troublemaker and got people fired and in trouble. He even called the police on an unrepentant employee. He was later fired. I think that if you get in trouble for saying hello or waving then there's something wrong. If someone is rude I don't call them on it and I don't expect polite behavior. I used to make the rounds and say hello to everybody, I even got in trouble for it, I still did it. Now I can't make the rounds but still greet people. If I get in trouble for greeting people then it is time to get out. It hasn't happened yet. Thank God.
Posted by: Vernon K Avaritt | March 24, 2011 01:14 PM
How sad that people confuse affection with harassment. Skin to skin is important for all us us, and the body and touching are not to be ashamed of. Unwanted pinching may be unkind, but is not a crime. If someone doesn't know to stop, they should have help learning how to treat other people, not punishment.
What Vernon wrote is said. What could be wrong with greeting your co-workers?
Posted by: TawTew the Naturally Perfumed | March 24, 2011 03:33 PM
I see something I'd like to pinch and pat.
Get over it people. A pinch and a pat on the back are not rape. And if you wear a kiss me sign, you deserve to get kissed by the ugliest, smelliest person you can imagine. That's your own stupidity.
Posted by: Tom T. Trucker | March 26, 2011 12:41 AM
This is a topic one can see from both sides. The left side and the right side.
Posted by: Taylor Not So Swift | March 30, 2011 01:50 PM
A pinch is not rape I'm sorry. Paranoid people.
Posted by: Mimi Chandler | April 5, 2011 05:08 AM
Revy Love can pinch me anytime. ;)
Posted by: swiss miss | April 6, 2011 03:15 AM
He,This is a great and usefull blog.Keep up the good work.
Posted by: Luigi Fulk | April 8, 2011 10:34 PM